Get Back to Where We Once Belonged

At the expectation of your responses, it is with trepidation that I announce that the 4 S-Rs are returning to Egypt in 3 days time. This was the plan all along, yet I know how much you hoped and prayed we would change our minds…if not for our sake, for that of our young children, you say. Why go back? Why when all you have there is a low-paying job and a serious longing for expensive American-imported macaroni and cheese? I pretend I don’t notice your tone of voice, but I know. I know, and I know that I am impotent to explain it. I wish I could. I wish I could answer the question for myself.

I finally snapped at a long-time American friend today when she asked the “E” question “so…uh…Ash….what’s the plan?”. “What do you MEAN, what’s the plan? The plan is that we go back and help REBUILD the country. What else would we do?” What can I say? At the prospect of me leaving her forever, I cling to Egypt even tighter. I literally want to kiss her soil (if I could find it save the trash!). Is Egypt my favorite place to hate? Or do I hate that it is my favorite place? I am reminded of a sister in law of mine who, at some point during her chemotherapy for breast cancer, remarked “how did I wind up here”? If you had to suddenly withdraw from your life as you know it, what would be important to you?

So as a feeling of irrational shame at leaving in the first place mingles with real, true fear that I’ll never get out again, I simply put one foot in front of the other. I can’t wrap my head around the philosophical. This comes from the gut. I’m coming home Masr! And I’ve never run from a challenge…we're getting back to where we once belonged...